The Bruce Revolution

We turn now to our Washington Bureau chief, Jack Flaps and, in studio with us, his sister and wartime preparedness strategy expert, Glenda Flaps-Stamps.

 

Jack & Glenda
Thanks for having us. Thank you, good to be here.

 

Host
Jack Flaps, we’ll start with you. Is the world at the precipice?

 

Jack
Very much so. The whole world is very volatile at the moment. Barring some unforeseen last-minute cooling of heads, I expect that the rhetoric and tension will continue to ratchet up.

 

Host
Take us through the events of the last several weeks that have brought us to this point.

 

Jack
Well, in March of this year, NATO leadership decided to allow the breakaway Canadian region of the Bruce Peninsula to declare official neutrality and withdraw from the alliance, taking their modest military materiel and specialized training with them. Neither the Canadian federal government, nor the Ontario provincial government put up much protest about the declaration, and both appeared to tacitly support the region’s right to political autonomy. Deputy Prime Minister Chrystia Freeland said, “It’s just a bunch of Bruce County boys out having a bit of fun. They’ll calm down after deer season. Or not. We’re not too worried. They can do what they want up there. They’re not bothering anybody.” An Ontario Provincial Police spokesperson said that police won’t be intervening, citing a longstanding force policy to not get involved in quashing political uprisings unless the participants are at least 30% Indigenous.

 

Host
Glenda, why are these events in rural yeehaw Ontario relevant to the rest of the country and what we’re seeing happening?

 

Glenda
Well, the folks up the Bruce set the precedent – if a region could make its own foreign policy decisions, it was a de facto micro state and independent of the province and country. It also meant that other parts of the country could conceivably do the same – and they did. Not surprisingly, Quebec immediately followed-through on the promises of Rene Levesque, the New Brunswick/Nova Scotia Strategic Alliance was forged, and the city of Toronto was evicted from Ontario by popular vote of the rest of the province.

 

Host
Jack, the idea spread around the world quite quickly, didn’t it?

 

Jack
Indeed. Taking Quebec’s lead, Scotland declared immediate independence from London, while London, like Toronto, was kicked out of England. In Italy, rich families are commissioning large scale works of art depicting scenes from such varied works as the Bible, Dante’s Inferno, and Weekend at Bernie’s.

 

Host
You mentioned city-state rule, just how are these newly formed bodies governing themselves? Surely not every one of the now thousands of microstates will elect a formal government and send delegates to the world bodies like the UN, IMF, or the WWE?

 

Glenda
Many of the cities have vested power in their currently elected city councils until such time that new governance structures can be put in place and elections held. It’s interesting that the vast majority of places we’ve heard about and talked to so far intend to adhere to the principles of democracy and open elections. There are some exceptions, of course. In some tribal regions, for example, they have reverted to ancient practices. In others, new forms of government are being tested, like in the former Kazakh region of Lower Semey, where they have decided to go with a hereditary matriarchal absolute monarchy, and have named a local agitator their first queen.

 

Host
Hold that thought, Glenda…I’m being told that we have an update from Sarah Gary-Larry in Budapest. Sarah?

 

Sarah
Yes, in the first signs of any real action, the “Don’t Be Hangry, be Hungary” supporters are moving-in on police positions. The police are holding rank, but sporadic hand-to-hand combat has broken out. So far, only tear gas has been fired and we haven’t heard any reports of gunfire, thankfully. This is very much a crowd control situation at the moment rather than a government quelling of unrest and…wait a minute…what’s that…I’m seeing…you know, I’m not sure what I’m seeing. I think Ivan Krowclaw has arrived with his entourage in an enormous wood paneled station wagon! The crowd is parting to let them through. It really is an extraordinary scene here – Krowclaw is dressed in a quasi-military uniform, complete with balloon hat. His entourage is similarly attired and great swells of patriotic dubstep are blasting from the car stereo, which has to have a least a couple 1200w amps in there and huge subs, I mean, listen to that! The bass is just thumpin’…wait for it…wait for the drop…. here it comes….

 

Host
[wubs and lubs continue to play loudly] Sarah…Sarah?…Sarah?…I think we’ve lost Sarah

 

That’s all the news for now. Check back in at the top of the hour when Bugsby Tootson will be here with Ignatius Porkins and Dingspitz Roachworthy to discuss the ever-changing global situation, and they’ll have a special retrospective piece by Poncy Winston Henderson looking back at the mid-Twentieth Century craze of putting poorly cured meats into Jello

 

From The Practical Guide to Nothing in Particular – Episode 1

 

 

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