MC: Ladies and gentlemen, get ready to laugh till your sides ache! Our next comedian is a new mom who’s been through it all – sleepless nights, diaper duty, and the never-ending quest for a moment to herself. Put your hands together for the one and only Lena!
[Audience applauds as Lena strides onto the stage, a mischievous twinkle in her eye.]
Lena: So, I recently became a mom. You know, they say motherhood changes you, and it’s true. I used to be a night owl, and now I’m just an exhausted pigeon. I tried everything to get my baby to sleep – lullabies, rocking chairs, warm milk. At this point, I’m pretty sure I could recite the entire script of “Frozen” backward in my sleep. But you know what they say about parenting – it’s a walk in the park. Jurassic Park. I thought I knew what tired was. I used to pull all-nighters in college, but those were nothing compared to this. I look at my baby, and I think, “You’re lucky you’re cute because…”
…I haven’t slept for a year!
[Audience laughs]
Lena: And it’s not just the lack of sleep. It’s the things you do when you’re sleep-deprived. I once put the milk in the pantry and the cereal in the fridge. My brain was on vacation, and my body was just trying to survive. I’m pretty sure my coffee mug has a restraining order against me because I never let it go. Now, let me tell you, baby brain is a real thing. I tried to organize my sock drawer alphabetically the other day. I think my socks are still traumatized. I look in the mirror, and I see the reflection of a woman who’s been through it all. A woman who can proudly say…
…I haven’t slept for a year!
[Audience laughs]
Lena: Now, let’s talk about Canadian politics. I thought Canadian politics was a snoozefest until I became a mom. I mean, I thought changing diapers was messy until I started following political scandals. I tried to explain the intricacies of Canadian politics to my baby, but he just looked at me like, “Mom, I can’t even vote for my favorite nursery rhyme. Why are you telling me about parliamentary systems?” So, there’s this politician who claimed he never sleeps because he’s always working for the people. And I thought, “Bro, I get it. I didn’t sleep for a year, and all I got was a macaroni art masterpiece and a drool-stained onesie. I look at the news, and I see politicians arguing over policies, and I think, “You guys have no idea what real exhaustion is.” I’ve mastered the art of changing a diaper in the dark while half-asleep. You think your debates are tough? Try negotiating with a toddler who wants cookies for breakfast. I swear, my negotiation skills have never been sharper. And it all leads to one undeniable truth…
…I haven’t slept for a year!
[Audience erupts in laughter]
Lena: Now, let’s switch gears a bit. Any Canadians in the house? Oh, Canada! You know, I used to be so invested in Canadian politics, but now my biggest concern is whether the squirrels in my backyard are plotting against me. Seriously, those squirrels are like tiny, furry ninjas. I’m pretty sure they’re training for a heist. Anyway, speaking of heists, have you ever tried to sneak out of a baby’s room after putting them to sleep? It’s like defusing a bomb made of Legos. One wrong move, and the whole house wakes up. I’ve become an expert in the art of silent footsteps. I can tiptoe around my house like a cat burglar in a onesie. But no matter how stealthy I am, no matter how quiet I try to be, the truth remains…
…I haven’t slept for a year!
[Audience bursts into laughter and applause]
Lena: Thank you, thank you! You’ve been an amazing audience, and remember – I haven’t slept for a year!
[Lena takes a bow, and the audience continues to laugh, appreciating that she will finally sleep tonight]
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