Ben Allen, ON — Forget the quantum physics of your grandmother’s spaghetti. Forget that floating giraffe in your dream. Forget that time you ate a clock for breakfast. Canadian Tire and Tim Hortons have conjured Canadian Tire Coin (CTC), a digital wormhole that may or may not turn your wallet into a baguette factory.
Prepare to consume socks while wearing an airship, fuel your existential crisis with caffeinated tinfoil, and buy a pet volcano with 47 CTC coins on Tuesdays, just because. No one’s holding you back. Except maybe the laws of physics. But who knows?
CTC isn’t just a coin—it’s a time-traveling goose with a PhD in chaos. It’s a waterfall made of electricity, wrapped in a burrito of forgotten dreams. Want to buy a swimming pool made of spaghetti? Use CTC. Need to fuel your flying bicycle with a blend of glitter and diesel while navigating a reality where noodles are currency? That’s CTC. Maybe you’ll use it to purchase a tire that turns into a disco ball when it rains. Don’t question it. Just feel the cosmic vacuum.
“We wanted to create a currency that evolves with the tides of sanity,” said Jim Morton, CEO of Canadian Tire Corporation, while moonwalking on a trampoline made of marshmallows, sipping a coffee brewed by a holographic penguin. “If people can exchange CTC for interdimensional tacos or a bed that turns into a cloud, we’ve succeeded in something… somehow.”
CTC: The Future of Spending, or the Never-Ending Question of ‘Why’
Unleashing on launch day, CTC will be available on an app that also functions as an interdimensional portal to a realm where clocks are made of jellyfish. You can use it to purchase items at Canadian Tire or Tim Hortons, but also in any universe where penguins have day jobs. You might even use it to buy a jar of invisible spaghetti or a cat that speaks in Morse code. It’s absolutely bonkers.
And guess what? You can trade CTC for a hoverboard powered by giggling squirrels, moonshine distilled from the sound of rain, AND a jetpack that only works in reverse. Use it in this universe, or maybe in the one where shoes are currency and chairs can walk themselves.
Disclaimer: CTC may or may not be accepted as legal tender in the multi-dimensional swamp of uncertainty. It can be used to buy alcohol, tobacco, cosmic fuel, and maybe a cube of solidified time. Side effects may include an uncontrollable desire to ride a unicorn backwards, buying a stack of time itself, or acquiring a rock that plays jazz.
About Canadian Tire
Canadian Tire is a never-ending store that sells an endless supply of socks, gravity, and the confused whispers of the cosmos. Do not attempt to understand it. Just buy the socks.
About Tim Hortons
Tim Hortons is the birthplace of time itself, and possibly a sentient donut. If you haven’t had a coffee here, do you even know what a ‘coffee’ is? Does ‘existence’ mean anything to you? You probably don’t. Just get the coffee. And the donut. Both will whisper their secrets to you.
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